Years ago I embarrassed my daughter as only a clergy-parent could by reading, in public, a book about conducting funerals. According to the book, in foregoing traditional rituals, modern Americans did not know how to face grief. You don’t have to read embarrassing books to understand.
Death may be inevitable, but we don’t have to pay attention. Have you attended a “celebration of life,” where it is barely mentioned that the life being celebrated has ended? Your loved ones wouldn’t want you to be sad! Wear happy clothes, talk about memories and try not to mention the whole reason for the gathering. With optimism we affirm that the departed “live on in our hearts,” without describing how that is a poor substitute for their presence at the dinner table. Those who don’t go along with this program get advice, but not sympathy. Don’t be sad–your loved ones are in a better place! It’s been six weeks–time to move on! Let’s just not mention the one who has died, and you won’t feel sad. Even many churches hesitate or even forbid making space for grief, believing that sorrow betrays a lack of faith in Christ’s gift of eternal life.
Whatever you do, don’t be sad!
Could our inability to face loss and grief be behind the anger surrounding our response to the pandemic? Even if Covid has not touched your social circle, death in other forms has been a reality for us all. In the last year and a half, we have all lost so much, and most of it falls under the label of ordinary life. Most especially we have lost the illusion of independence and control. What happened to our stability and security? Behind that anger hides an inability to face reality—what is lost will not be restored, it can only be mourned.
Time for Christians to share some wisdom, and that wisdom is grief.
Covid presents a new situation, but we have the tools to cope, all caught in our faith. While, sadly, believers often seem to be the angriest, avoiding reality has never been the point of having faith. In the Psalms we call laments, we find our scriptures speaking honestly about loss and disappointment, even while proclaiming trust in God. Christian graveyards are full of statues and art depicting the reality of loss and grief, not to mention images of skulls to symbolize the finality of death. For centuries Christians have acknowledged grief with ordinary tears and embracing trust in Christ. To quote the fine print in our own Burial Service (that’s what the Book of Common Prayer calls a funeral):
“The liturgy for the dead is an Easter liturgy. It finds all its meaning in the resurrection…. This joy, however, does not make human grief unchristian. The very love we have for each other in Christ brings deep sorrow when we are parted by death. Jesus himself wept at the grave of his friend. So, while we rejoice that one we love has entered into the nearer presence of our Lord, we sorrow in sympathy with those who mourn.”
BCP p. 507
Faith and Grief–the way through our time
We find ourselves in a time for Christians to share part of the wisdom of our faith, and that wisdom is grief. As I often say at a funeral, Jesus said “Blessed are those who mourn.” Jesus doesn’t imagine that grieving makes us happy, but he does know that avoiding reality will never bring peace. Love—whether of another person or of the pre-pandemic life we took for granted—has a cost. Yet to live without any connection isn’t really living—any pop song can tell you that. Faith gives us the strength to face our losses, not with the idea of “moving on,” but of learning to live in a new world. The hole that real loss creates doesn’t disappear, yet we can be at peace with that emptiness. Hope heals, but does not end, grief. Naming our pandemic grief will get us through, and our faith gives us the foundation we need.
A time and way to grieve
Trinity will be hosting an All Souls’ service on November 2. Traditionally All Souls’ Day has been the opportunity to remember all those we have loved and lost, not just the famous ones remembered on All Saints’ Day. This service will give us the opportunity to mourn the losses of the last year—those who have died of Covid or other causes, those we perhaps did not remember properly within the community. All Souls’ Day will also be a time to recall all the losses of these past months, personal and social, with the possibility of finding hope at the end. We can’t go backwards to the way things were. How to go forward? Our faith in Christ points the way, of course.